Chapter Eight: Letting Go

The baggage that you hold onto from your life experiences can be the very things that are holding you back from living a purposeful and love filled life. Why on earth would you be willing to carry the weight of your traumas on your back for miles and miles if they weren’t providing you with an opportunity to live a more peaceful life? 

Transcript

Chapter Eight

Letting Go

Positive Affirmation: Today I am making the decision to let go of the things that take away my peace. I will let go with love and gentleness.

The concept of letting go sounds easy but, in practice, can be one of the hardest things to master. How do we let go? What happens after we do? In my deepest struggles, there is always a Me hanging on to something. Usually it is a mental position that I need to loosen my grasp on. Whether it is a physical object or a mental position in our minds, the same principles apply to letting something go. 

In my most peaceful moments, the first and last thing I did was “let go.”

What Is Keeping Us from Letting Go?

There are many reasons why people do not let go, including the fact that they do not realize what they are hanging on to. Is your life being controlled by your mental positions or your possessions? Ask yourself: What has power over me? What can I not live without? By asking these questions, you are stepping back and evaluating your relationship with what has power over you. 

This is the first step in letting go of a possession, behaviour, or mental position. Real change happens when you are truly motivated to let go. It confirms that you have the power to make changes in your life. How do you identify what has a grasp on you? You could start by being willing to confront what is controlling you, like habits and addictions. 

For example: Do you need three coffees before you can function in the world? It is great to wake up slowly, but when you create a belief that you cannot wake up without carrying out your morning ritual, then you have crossed a healthy boundary. Once you have looked at your bigger habits and addictions, you can move onto the smaller issues that may have a subtle grasp on you. Some of your smaller issues you may not be aware of until you take some time to reflect. These include your smaller quirks and beliefs that run on automatic in your mind. Another way to identify what you may be hanging on to is to look at your comforts. Your supposed requirements to feel comfortable may be the very things, behaviours, or mindsets you most need to let go of. 

Fear 

Fear is not an uncontrollable force. When you talk about your fears as if you are powerless over their grasp, you create an unhealthy relationship with them. Besides, you do have the power to overcome your fears. When your fears are out of balance, you feel out of control. The more you are consumed with fear, the less empowered you will be. When your mind is consumed by a fear, that fear feels real. Your mind cannot see the difference between fantasy and reality. If you ruminate on a fear, you can experience it as if it is really happening. 

 It is much easier to abandon a fear if you catch it early. The longer you ruminate on a fear, the more disempowered you become. Over time, your fears can slowly change your perception and block you from seeing the truth. They can take away your freedom and slowly imprison you in the process. Larger fears have the power to render you completely powerless if you allow them to take over your mind. It is important to work at changing your relationship with your fears. The main thing is that you keep moving forward and away from being disempowered by them. Take small steps to move away from your fears.

For example, if you have a fear of driving, just sit in the car, turn on the ignition, and move the car back and forth in the laneway. With each attempt, do a little more to move beyond your fear. It is also helpful to take some time to look at how you came to have your fear. Once you know how your fear was created, work at letting go of your thoughts around your fear. Break it down for yourself in a logical manner. Ask yourself: ls what I’m afraid of happening now? What are the chances of my fears coming true right now? These are just a few suggestions for you. Come up with your own ideas to help you move away from your fears. 

 Historically, the people who enjoy success in life are the ones who took risks that others were not willing to take. Being fearless gave them the strength they needed to go where others could not. Observe how fear limits you and keeps you from what you really want in life.

Fear and fearless are neighbours. They live directly beside each other.

Moving beyond your fears can sometimes be a short trip, because your fears can have a way of looking much bigger than they really are. The key is to take the first step. If someone shared their fears with you, you may think, “Wow, that is such an insignificant thing to be afraid of.” The same could be said about your fears, the ones holding you hostage. People have many reasons to support their fears. Letting go of a fear may require you to let go of all the memories associated with it. Be aware of when a fear comes up, and then walk through it. This simple exercise can liberate you from the burden of holding on to your fears. 

 Freedom lies on the other side of your fear. Once you walk through those fears, you may realize that the fear itself was more torturous than the object of it. Each time you let go of a fear that is holding you down, you will feel lighter and more at peace. Fear robs you of your peace and drives you deep into the shadow of your ego.

Mary Kay, the founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, the sixth largest marketing company in the world in 2015, was a huge advocate of empowerment in women. She said: “Feel the fear and do it anyways.”

Illogical fears are a gross adaptation of your mind. What starts in your mind as a fictional story slowly becomes a matter of fact to you when fear takes hold. Once this happens, you no longer see the truth. You are blinded by your fears. 

Fear itself is nothing more than an emotion that is accompanied by a belief. Many fears are not logical and are born out of the fallacies of the mind. Some of my greatest growth opportunities have come from walking through my fears. When you have the courage to overcome your fears, you then have a recipe for overcoming other obstacles in life. Fear can hold you tightly in its grasp. It will take courage and willingness, but you CAN overcome even the deepest of your fears.

Overcoming Fear Requires Several Things

1. A willingness to release the voice in your head.
2. The courage to face your fear and walk through it regardless of how you feel.
3. A willingness to let go of your emotions.
4. The willingness to keep moving forward after you have made the decision.

My friend, Kristi Rockley, says: For your authentic growth and healing, you sometimes need to lean into what is uncomfortable.

Fear impedes healthy growth; be willing to be fearless and walk through whatever scares you. Staying in your comfort zone encourages repetition of old habits and will not lead to the discovery of your deepest joy. It may actually become your excuse to keep playing small. An empowered person is liberated from illogical fears. Their imagination no longer has control over them.

Worry

Worry diminishes your power and hijacks your mind. It is also debilitating, for it embeds your fears deep into you. Often people will claim that it is their job to worry and, by doing so, they believe they are helping a situation. In fact, they are not helping whatever situation they are in at all. Worries do nothing to fix a situation. At best, worrying makes you feel heavy and more burdened. Some worries are just the way we project our old wounds onto a situation. For example, if we were mistreated when we were vulnerable, we may project our worries onto any situation in which we see vulnerability. 

Worrying about others indicates that you think you know what is best for someone else. You can pray or wish for good things to happen for others, but you need to be aware not to let your good nature disempower you in the process. Worry is an easy trap to fall into, especially when you care about the person in receivership of your prayers.It is helpful to remember that if what you are worrying about is out of your control, then that is an indication that you may need to let go of the thoughts in your mind. Do not allow the worries in your mind to divide you from your true power. Replace your worries with thoughts of love. If you are concerned about a person or situation, send love. This invites the providence of God. The part of you that is made in Gods’ image has the power to help and heal the world. Use your power wisely. Love expels your worries and fears. 

Stress

Stress is a huge problem in the world today and begs the question: Are we more stressed than previous generations? 

Stress rapidly takes over people’s internal experience because it is complex and has many referring factors. One factor is that people today are living through their minds, not taking enough time to rest in the presence of their hearts. 

Here is an exercise that can help you rest in your heart: 

1.     Spend an entire day being heart-centred.

2.     When you notice that you are in your head thinking, gently return to resting in your heart. 

3.     Move your attention to your heart area. 

4.     Allow the expansiveness of your heart to open while you do this exercise. 

Be aware that the mind will keep a steady stream of things to do, to want, and to strive for. This leaves you with little chance to relax and cultivate a relationship with the peacefulness found when resting in your heart. 

Often you know why you are stressed, but your fears keep you from making the changes necessary to let go of stress. Make an action plan to remove those stresses from your life. Be willing to make the changes necessary to relieve yourself from your stresses. Remember: You are nobody’s saviour 

Stress is not created by the events occurring in your life. It occurs as a result of your emotional response to those events. Stress is generated when your emotions flood your body. If you could block yourself from feeling, stress would subside immediately. The good news is that there are several ways for you to manage your emotions. By managing your emotions at the onset, stress does not build up in your body. For when we are full of stress, the smallest incident can suddenly cause anxiety in you. 

One of the interesting things about stress is that our minds can create imaginary situations, and then we play them out as if they are real and in the moment.

Of course, you have many valid stresses in your life. But your body is not biased and does not know the difference between valid stress and the stories and stresses you create in your mind. The response is the same whether your stress is real or imaginary. Be open enough to see how your life unfolds in real time versus trying to predict hypothetical outcomes that are mostly created out of fear. When you notice your stress is on the rise, ask yourself whether you are stressing over something that is real. If what you fear is not happening in that moment, try to set down the thoughts and feelings you are having. Just pull your attention away from the feeling and allow it to be there in you. The feeling that is going through your body is not you. It is just a sensation in your body. Let go of any need to defend your feelings. 

Time and Control

Feeling as if you do not have enough time and feeling a loss of control greatly contribute to stress. These are by no means the only contributors to stress in your life, but they are two big players in the arena of stress. 

            Slowing down and giving yourself time to breathe can reduce the pressure you place upon yourself. If you feel that you do not have enough time in your days, maybe it is time to take a deeper look at what has your attention. 

According to www.hackernoon.com, the average person spends four hours a day looking at the screen of their smart phone. That equates to 1,456 hours per year. If you are awake for sixteen hours a day, that means you have given your phone one quarter of your day. How much time do you spend on your phone? Do you waste vast amounts of time on trivial pursuits? 

It is important to give yourself over to fruitful endeavours. What is fruitful for you? It could be something as simple as going for a walk with your partner. Being present with the moment ends the time you spend on meaningless activities that sap you of your time and energy.

Feeling out of control also adds to stress. But look at what you feel you need to control. Are you a micromanager? There is very little that you can control in your life. No amount of needing control can change the wait time in a checkout line or the weather. Life seems to be speeding up for all of us, and the expectation of how fast things should come is at an all-time high. People used to say that patience is a virtue, but today you could say that patience is a rare quality. The sooner you let life be as it is, the sooner you can rest in your peace. 

Tolerance can help when you feel that life is out of control or that you need to control what is happening. Your need to control only briefly satiates your ego so, with tolerance, you will find and accept the humanity in others. You open the door for deeper and often unexpected experiences to unfold. These experiences are often positive in nature. Tolerance is just the right button to push when you feel you have had enough. 

Intolerance only gives you more to let go of inside your mind and prevents you from moving toward your ultimate peace, whereas learning tolerance lets you and others live amicably while inviting equanimity, especially in the amidst of difficult situations. Intolerance feeds selfishness and leads you to believe that you need more than your share. It also forces you to see through a narrow line of vision. 

True tolerance is not just a willingness to tolerate another. It is found in your ability to respect other people’s differences—their beliefs, the way they express themselves, and the choices they make. However, that does not mean you should be passive. Taking a stand and finding your voice when you need it is not intolerance. Often the hardest things to say hold the most truth. Tolerance will simply help you get your point across respectfully. This will call others to attention when you speak, but only if you’re able to truly embrace tolerance.

How Do We Let Go?

Letting go is like dumping a rock out of your shoe. You stop, let it go, then keep walking without looking back. Your hidden power waits for you under all the things you need to let go of.

Letting go is a decision, but it is a decision that may require work from you. Letting go of one mental construct can upset the balance of other beliefs. It may cause you to look at a series of other mindsets or beliefs you are holding, but it is normal to feel unstable when you are changing beliefs and paradigms in your mind. Being willing to keep moving forward and letting go is key. 

Your ability to let go may require acceptance. That does not mean that if someone has harmed you they had the right to do so. Your acceptance only represents that something terrible has happened and you have decided to move forward. You may need to accept events that have happened in your life. 

Some events that appear to be traumatic and life changing can turn out to be blessings. Sometimes these events happen for you, not to you. If you are trying to move on from a trauma inflicted on you, forgiving that person may not be your first step. The first step could be to stop the flow of anger toward the person, place, or situation. It is normal to have negative feelings or ill wishes toward another; however, continuing to project these feelings does not help you to heal or grow beyond the level of suffering. 

Acceptance starts your process of healing with the situation. Once you stop the flow of negative energy, a space in you opens for forgiveness to naturally arise. The thing about forgiveness is that you are holding nothing over the other person. If you are holding a grudge or holding anger toward another, it only makes you sick and bitter. 

As Malachy McCourt said: “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting another person to die.”

When you do not forgive, you are holding nothing more than a mental position. Acceptance can be a direct path toward your healing. By focusing your anger on another, you are giving your power away, which in turn impedes your ability to help yourself. Never think of acceptance as giving up or letting others win. See it as a powerful position of mind that returns you to your peace. The road home to peace, is love.If you are wanting to get over a trauma in your life, acceptance is the first step. Acceptance can be the point from which you move forward.

I held myself back from letting go for many years. I repeatedly tried to forgive a person in my life, but I knew I needed to let go of the hurt and trauma I felt first. But I just could not move forward. I was stuck going through the motions of saying I forgave this person, then befriending them, only to push them back out of my life. Then one day I had a flash of enlightenment. I realized I couldn’t accept the things that happened to me. In my lack of acceptance, I justified projecting anger and hatred. I felt that if I forgave that person, I would have to allow them back into my life. This was not the case at all. We can accept, forgive, and move on without inviting anyone into our lives. When I learned to accept all the difficult things around my relationship with this person, I could stop sending anger. In doing so, forgiveness happened on its own. I freed myself of the burden I had been carrying for so long. We give ourselves this freedom the moment we choose to accept and let go.

Letting go takes a hero’s heart, for the mind can replay your traumas and dramas your entire life.

 Just because you let go once does not mean that it will never resurface in your mind. The landscape of the mind changes slowly. By staying vigilant in your practice of letting go, your mind begins to transform. Be patient in the process and be sure to insert love to self as often as you can. You insert love by being gentle and only speaking kind words to yourself when you have a setback. Again, love is the path home. It leads us with sure-footedness along the way.

Link to Picture
https://umatter.ca/2021/02/03/chapter-eight-letting-go/

Deepening Your Surrender

In your most surrendered state, the presence of peace enters your body as a gift to you.

In the most profound moments in my life, the sense of me completely dissolved. There was no longer any sense of me experiencing the moment at hand; I was just intently present. In this intense moment, I had let go of the burden of my mind and body. 

If you look at one of your most profound moments, you might find the same thing. During your most profound moment, you were a witness to what was unfolding in front of you. Even if you were doing something, there was no longer a sense of you doing anything. 

Being an artist has given me this experience many times in my life. As creation is flowing to and through me, I just become a witness to what is unfolding. While I am tattooing my clients, I surrender and watch the tattoo unfold. This is when the best work happens. For years I had a sense of me doing the work and needing to control everything. I felt that if I let go, even for a second, I would completely botch the tattoo I was working on. What I have come to understand is that quite the opposite is true. The more I allow myself to surrender, the better the outcome. When I watch a new tattooist do their first few hundred tattoos, they usually have a death grip on the machine, as if they are trying to squeeze the tattoo out of it. I would always tell the artists that I trained to just relax, to let themselves go in the process. As they felt more and more confident, I could see them letting go. Once they had mastered this lesson, their work began to take on more life and expression.

Keep letting go until there is nothing left to let go of.

The distractions of your mind’s regular activities can steal all your attention in its endless demands. By letting go, you open a space for a deeper interaction with life. As you learn to keep letting go and surrender yourself to your peace within, you begin to stabilize the ability to drop all the things that are driving you away from peace. In your deepest surrender, you discover that peace is ever present in you. All that is required for you to experience it is to let go.

Letting go readies us for the gift of peace to arise in us. It’s not that you obtain peace. It’s more like you surrender to it within and allow it to gift you with a visit.

In this selection of writing by Rev. Safire Rose, she provides great instructions with how to let go. 

She Let Go

“She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of fear. She let go of the judgements. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

“Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go … She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

“She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

“She didn’t analyse whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go. No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her.

“No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.”

Rev. Safire Rose

Tools to Deepen Your Experience of This Chapter

1. Make a list of the things that have power over you. In this list, include what you cannot live without.
2. What are your comforts? Do you have rituals you must follow? For example: Do you need to have three coffees before you think you can function? This is how a comfort controls you. 
3. Look at your fears as if they are not yours. Write down how this changes your thoughts about the fear you are viewing. 
4. Can you think of any examples where fear has distorted a truth you hold?
5. When you made a list of your stresses, were there any that were not real? Watch for this when you feel stressed. Are you stressing over real things, or future things?
6. What does a typical day entail for you? Do you have things that sap your time and energy? Try to become more conscious of what’s draining all your time.
7. Are there things you have a hard time accepting? Make a list of the things you find hard to accept. Once you have your list, you can begin to allow acceptance with the things on your list. Some things may take a great deal of courage and love to bring acceptance into. Just do your best and love yourself during this process.

Seeking the Next Level

The next chapters of this book are dedicated to the serious seeker. I challenge you to let go of the preconceived concepts in your mind if you choose to proceed from here. You will find that I use the word “God” more frequently in these later chapters and, for the sake of extracting the most out of this material, you may be required to let go of what the concept of God has meant to you. To be clear, when I refer to God, I am not talking about religion. I am talking about God in a loving sense. God is not a religious concept. God is the source of all things seen and unseen, known and unknown. God is the totality of all that IS. The entire point of awakening is to know your relationship with God. When you know who and what you are in relation to God, insignificant behaviours, mindsets, and desires fall away as you discover God’s presence within you. For convenience, I refer to God as “He.” I see the presence of God as fatherly in nature. 

Lectio Divina

In the early monastic life, the monks would employ a technique called Lectio Divina, otherwise known as Holy Reading or Divine Reading, as a method of deepening their studies. To get the most out of the following chapters, I suggest that you read them on a deeper level than with your mind. Rest in your heart while you take in what is being presented. 

Tools for Deepening Your Study 

1. Read the material slowly, savouring the words. Be very present as you read. If you feel you need to stop and contemplate the writing, don’t hesitate to do so.

2. Pause to reflect on how the writing reflects on your life. How can you relate your personal life to the writing you are taking in? 

3. The next stage is to open your heart in order to comprehend the reading with your soul and not your mind. Experience the writing and take in the energy behind the message. 

4. The last step is to listen to your soul. Does it have any deeper reflection about the material you are taking in? 

Note: The above description of Lectio Divina is my own interpretation. If you would like to learn more about this sacred practice of study, feel free to do your own research. Thomas Keating provides some great instruction on the topic.