Chapter Seven: Relationships Part 2: Cultivating a Deeper Relationship

This chapter can change your outlook on how to operate within the relationship you have with others, and your partner. The material covered can help you deepen your relationship into a more sacred one where harmony and peace can freely flow.

Transcript

Chapter Seven

Relationships

Part 2: Cultivating a Deeper Relationship

Positive affirmation: Love is currency in relationships. The more love we pour into them, the more value they contain.

Relationships are an integral aspect of life. Since the way we interact with people is what creates relationships, the harmony and peace we have or don’t have shape the kind of relationships we cultivate. By applying love, care, and respect to our relationships, we allow a deeper exchange to take place. Life is more harmonious when we have peace within our relationships. Once we find that peace in our life, we can discover a deeper meaning in relationships. We can create a sacred relationship with our partners. 

         In this chapter, I will be using my own relationship with my wife to illustrate how we find deeper and more harmonious ways of building a relationship based on love, respect, and dedication—not only with others, but with our own individual growth. 

Having said that, I must affirm that love for self is paramount, because if I do not love myself, I am a loss to my partner. When I do not take care of myself, I become irritable. I lose compassion, sensibility, and appreciation for the goodness around me. Love for self not only enhances ourselves but helps us build better relations with others, because we cannot give what we do not have. In order to have a deeper and more sacred relationship with another, we must love ourselves. 

Learning How to Love

In my relationship with my wife, I have taken the time to learn how she needs to be loved. In my past relationships, my love was selfish. I loved my partners the way I wanted and needed to be loved. By doing this, I was not meeting my partner’s needs but would get frustrated thinking I was doing an excellent job of being their partner. In a deeper relationship, it is important not only to love your partner the way they need it, but to love unconditionally. 

Unconditional love has more depth and potency to it. It entails never withholding love from your partner but instead loving with no expectation, without complaint or need of anything in return. Sometimes, though, the hardest moments to love your partner are when they need it the most. If your partner upsets you or is upset themselves, this can give you the perfect opportunity to love them more. It is exactly when they need your patience, compassion, and understanding. By giving them love at that moment, you are giving your love when it is needed the most. 

Make it a priority to let you partner know they never have to earn your love or qualify for it. Your job is to hold your partner in love. By maintaining love for your partner in difficult times, you help dissolve problems swiftly when they arise. Never hold back from giving to each other’s needs, even though some days you may only have 20 per cent to give, while other days you will have 100 per cent. There is no need to keep score or complain when your partner cannot give to you. Just do the best you can for each other. 

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Being in the Moment with Your Partner

When I first met my wife, I felt a sense of wonder in her presence, and that wonder has never left me. It has never left because I make it a daily practice to get to know my partner. I do not assume I know her. I look at my wife as if I have never laid eyes on her before. This allows me to see her more clearly. I not only see her beauty more clearly, but I learn more about her in the process. From one moment to the next, we are anew. I myself learn and grow every day, so I look to see how my partner has done the same. By looking at my partner with fresh eyes daily, I have found that I do not place false labels on her. It is all too easy to place a label on your partner and hold them to it long after they have outgrown it. This is not only non-productive to your relationship but can be a very dis-empowering practice to project onto your partner. Hold your partner to their highest good. This will bring you into the moment with your significant other.

Getting to Know Each Other

My wife and I communicate everything, and there is nothing we hide from one another. I do not read her email or Facebook, but if I wanted or needed to, I know I could. We have our own lives but within those lives nothing is too private for each other. We look for ways to improve our communication with one another. For example, we try to see things from each other’s point of view. It is all too easy to just see your own perspective. By putting in the time communicating, we have saved ourselves hours of frustration. 

One of the most loving things we have done for each other has been planning for the difficult times in our relationship. We worked out in advance how we would handle different types of situations. We put in the time to make agreements on how we would problem solve our differences. We do this during our good times so that we don’t have to try and figure that out while dealing with a difficult situation.

We have learned how to have fun with each other in just about any situation. We both know that if we get too serious, we risk not being able to enjoy our time together. When we stop having fun and start getting frustrated with one another, we never hesitate to say sorry and return back to the love we have for each other. In my past relationships, I would become cold and silent to try to get my point across. That was not helpful for my partner, and it was only torture for me because I had to stay mad for days—something that is very taxing on our nervous system. The silent treatment was counterproductive to my relationships. It makes about as much sense as swallowing a handful of thumb tacks to relieve a sore throat. In my relationship with my wife, if either one of us gets frustrated, we voice our feelings as soon as we are able. 

We have to find the courage to voice what we feel inside. I have learned to be genuine and honest with my wife. Vulnerability lives very comfortably in a deeper relationship. Being able to express what we are feeling with each other comes as a huge relief to both of us, and I no longer need to hold back my thoughts and feelings from the most important person to me. 

No matter what we are going through, we have learned to share it with each other. Along with being genuine with my wife, I no longer keep secret desires—those wants we have that we seldom express. In my past relationships, I would wait, wishing and hoping for my partner to read my mind, only to be let down or feel angry later when it did not happen. We have learned to just ask for what we need. 

In my relationship with my wife, we make time for intimacy. We never allow the time we need for intimacy to take a back seat to the busyness of our lives. Talking, touching, holding, and lovemaking are important to our relationship. We are committed and faithful to each other. Early in our relationship we made a commitment to eliminate anything from our lives that threatened to diminish the connection we share. 

On our wedding night, my beautiful wife sat me down and presented me with a tiny box. Inside I found a solid, silver heart. I knew what my wife was offering me even before we exchanged any words. The heart I was holding was the most exquisite heart I had ever laid eyes on. I told her how I felt about her beautiful heart and then closed the box and handed it back to her. I explained to my wife that I would never take such a precious thing from her. I asked her if she would let me look at it every day and she said I was most welcome to do that. That was enough for me. I did not need her heart, because I have found my own.

I have learned that we do not give our heart away. We just share it with the world. If you give your heart to another, they might just take it. If they haven't found their own heart, they won't know how to take care of yours. Nobody needs two hearts, so keep yours and share it with the world. But don't allow another to take it from you. They might just break it.

Holding Your Partner in Perfection

I never look for my partner’s weaknesses or faults. It is not that I turn a blind eye to things, it is that my focus is on what is great about her. I see my wife’s best qualities, and I always support her greatness. In our relationship, we hold each other in perfection. Not that we will be perfect, but because it offers the highest respect for each other.  We never lose sight of the relationship we have created together for it is sacred. It became sacred the moment we held each other in unconditional love. By revering our bond as sacred, we are protectors of this union.

I try to inspire her to do her best, and I accept whatever that is. I always assume she has the best intentions for us and for herself. I never hold ideas that she is not good enough or tell her what to do. I know that she was given her own mind at birth. I’m not my wife’s therapist nor do I feel there is anything that needs to be fixed about her. I see her as perfect, and nothing less than that. 

Your partner’s perfection will shine the brightest when you hold your partner in their highest light.

Wanting the best for your partner is a wonderful way to love them, and it is always worth protecting your partner’s honour. Let me illustrate this concept with a story my friend once told me.

My friend was a repair man working for Sears. When he arrived at his customer’s home one day, the little old lady who answered the door directed him to her basement and pointed at the washer, which had been disassembled into a thousand pieces. He told her that it would take a bit of work to reassemble the washer, and she reassured him to go ahead and do what he needed to do to fix the unit. After a couple of hours, he reported to her that the problem was just a burned-out wire. She looked at him and asked, “Is there a part that is relatively cheap that generally causes problems in washers?” Confused, he answered “Yes, there are some hidden fuses that sometimes go.” 

She then told him to write what he had told her on the bill and she would pay for it. When he asked her why she wanted to do that, she replied, “My husband worked over two hours on that washer last night. I don’t want him to feel badly that he couldn’t fix it.”

My wife’s well-being is much more important to me than my need to make her feel less than perfect or to ever belittle her. This is one of the lessons my wife has taught me during our relationship. Here are a few more.

1. Kiss your partner goodnight and ask them to share with you their favourite part of their day. 

2. Share the loads of work together and then you can rest together. 

3. If you are grumpy in the mornings, do not inflict your bad mood on your partner.

4. You can play pranks on your friends, but not your significant other. Do not tease, harass, or torment your partner. 

5. Never, ever talk badly about your partner to anyone. 

6. Do not give flowers as an apology. Flowers are for a loving gesture, not to say sorry. 

Sacred Relationships

Sacred relationships take you deeper into the purpose of relationships and are built on unconditional love, respect, trust, and the inclusion of devotion to one another. In your devotion to another, it is important to never lose sight of yourself. A sacred relationship is a relationship that is based on deepening your bond with each other, yourself, and God. There is a devotion to assist and guide each other in the fulfillment of each other’s purpose. You must never lose sight of the love that is created with each other. When one of you is not at their finest, the other does their best to stay anchored in love and support for the other. 

There is an old saying: “Relationships are give and take.” In a sacred relationship, this is not the case. Sacred relationships are about giving and taking nothing. You never ask things of the other that they cannot give. If you are honest with yourself, you will know that when you ask for something of your partner and they say no, it is because they cannot do so at the moment or at all. You will not confuse this inability with their not wanting to do it or not caring enough about you to do what you ask. 

A sacred relationship does not mean you become subservient to each other. It just means that you always do the best you can for each other. In an “all give” relationship, you don’t have to fight for your needs, because your partner will do that for you. You become attentive to each other and respond to what the other needs.  

These tenets are the basis of my relationship with my wife. As a result of our commitment to them, there is never-ending peace between us. My wife has never kicked me when I have been down. She always holds me in perfect love. We appreciate the love we share and always look for ways to give more to each other. Our sacred relationship is easy in comparison to the relationships I had in the past. It was not that I had bad partners … I just was not ready to step into a sacred relationship. My ego had too much control over me.  

It takes two committed people to engage in a sacred relationship. We are designed to be in relationships with others and are meant to embrace relationships with reverence and love. If we are combative and resistant, we miss out on a great deal of growth that relationships offer. 

When you look deep enough into another, you will find yourself looking back.

Tools to Deepen Your Experience of This Chapter

1. Take some time to communicate with your partner. Share details of your life or how you feel about the person you are with.
2. Understand your needs and share them with your partner. Get to know what your partner needs.
3. Let your partner know how you need to be taken care of when you are upset, sad, or frustrated. 
4. Practice not taking anything personally with your partner.
5. Learn how you can best support your partner’s purpose.
6. Make time to be alone with each other.
7. Be attentive to your partner’s needs. Try to identify where they need your help. If you are unsure, the best thing to do is ask.
8. Be open to hearing criticism from your partner. Learn to ask what you can do better in the relationship.
9. Love yourself.