Chapter Three: I am Strong

Chapter Three - I Am Strong: How do we walk through our vulnerabilities? What lies beyond our fears? What happens when we pour devotion into our life? How do we become empowered? These are some questions that are answered in this chapter. This particular chapter contains some incredible wisdom to help us live beyond our fears and find ourselves in a far more empowered state.

Transcript

Chapter Three

I Am Strong

Positive Affirmation: I am strong. I have decided to move out of my comfort zone. I have the power to do whatever I set my heart to, even if that means asking for help from another. I am willing to keep getting back up each time I fail or fall. I cannot and will not be broken.

In all our efforts to reach the end of our lives unscathed, we have become a bit fragile. Our shells are so thin that one fall out of the nest can cause us to break into a million pieces. One fail and it can take months or even years to put ourselves back together. The truth is, we are built to withstand great falls in our lives. Our greatest heroes have many stories of how they failed repeatedly. By having a strong will and perseverance, they were able to rise to their greatness. 

This chapter is about resilience. It is about our ability to let things go and the capacity to recover quickly from our difficulties. In this chapter, I will introduce a series of different topics that empower and disempower us. Strong people have weak moments; this is natural. What is not natural is to stay in a disempowered place for too long. 

The truth is that we are strong beyond our mind’s conception. Being strong requires that we dedicate ourselves to not giving up. When we block all our escape routes, we have no choice but to keep moving forward. Our best may be much farther beyond what we even realize. Our true power lies in discovering that if we believe in ourselves, our dreams are a preview of our future. To reach our greatest potential, we simply apply our best efforts, day to day, moment by moment. 

When I was training artists to work for me, I used to tell them to have the same enthusiasm at the end of a job as they had when they started. I have found great strength in holding this simple position of mind. Whether we give up, give in, or continue to stay strong during a difficult task or a difficult time, most often it comes down to a choice we make in our mind. 

Our greatest potential is always a mile past any finish line or quitting point. Our only limitations are the ones we place upon ourselves.

 Look at your goals as the minimum you think you can achieve. The idea here is to hit your goal and keep running past the finish line. Life isn’t about doing the minimum for the sake of getting through. There are great rewards in going the extra mile. That is the difference between a dedicated person and a devoted one. A dedicated person will make it to their goal and do their best in the process. A devoted person will do the same but, by pouring love into what they do, they keep on going out of sheer joy when they reach their goal. Devotion adds an undeniable spark to your endeavours and bares more fruit in your life so it is easy for others to spot. For devotion is everything that dedication is—with the addition of love.

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https://umatter.ca/2021/01/31/chapter-three-i-am-strong/

One Man Who Is Very Devoted

I was very fortunate to meet and get to work with the owner of The Dutchman Tattoos in Vancouver. John, better known as “The Dutchman,” was a very focused man. Along with his intense focus, he had another skill I admired greatly. He was very devoted to whatever he was doing. I found this intriguing, so during my time at The Dutchman Tattoos, I tried to stay by his side as much as I could. From my observations, he never seemed to multi-task. I’m sure he is capable of multi-tasking, but I did not see him doing it once during my visits. 

John is a teacher of teachers in the tattoo world, and his skills and experience make him a master of the trade. When I would ask John a question, he would stop tattooing and explain the answer to me in detail. A few times, he even included a thumbnail sketch to complete his lesson. Then, as soon as he had answered me, he turned his focus back to his tattoo. Even when I would catch him leaving at the end of the day and flag him down with a question, he would stop and give his complete attention to me. 

Since my time with him, I have tried to apply this admirable skill in my life by devoting myself to what is in front of me. It is a skill from which we could all benefit. 

Building Resilience

Here is a great story by Abraham J. Twerski about lobsters. Lobsters are soft, fleshy creatures who live inside hard shells. They grow inside their shells until the pressure gets too much and then they seek a safe place to cast off their shell. This leaves their soft, delicate bodies exposed and vulnerable while they grow their new shell. A considerable amount of growth happens each time they do this. Still, lobsters will grow out of their shells, and when they cast them off, lobsters become vulnerable and exposed. 

            There will be times in your life when you are going to experience pressure. Everyone goes through difficult periods. But on the other side of these experiences, there is potential for enormous growth. Often growth is accompanied by a revelation. To receive that revelation, you need to experience fully whatever has just taken place. The struggles you encounter give you the strengths and skills you would never have known by just coasting through life. If you are struggling, just know that this can be a healthy and productive experience for your growth. It is guaranteed that, at some point in your life, you will feel exposed and vulnerable. But allowing yourself to be vulnerable does not have to be painful or traumatic. Your response to this is your choice. 

            Submitting and giving up does not have to be an option. When you feel vulnerable, it is usually a sign that you have yet to discover your strength in whatever is causing that vulnerability. Once you know how to face your fears and walk through your vulnerabilities, you will never have to stay stuck in your shell again. You will now have a recipe to stand strong. Pressure, struggle, and vulnerability thicken your next shell. They build your character and prepare you for the duties that lie ahead. 

When you bypass the voice in your head, you get to listen to the will of your heart. The moment you begin to listen, you become the hero of your story.

But how do you walk through your vulnerabilities? To grow stronger, you will need to stop listening to the same old thoughts running through your mind. You must be willing to make choices that you know are right for you. Your mind may have you convinced that you are weak and that life is too much to handle, but each time you stand up and go for what you want, you become stronger. When you learn to bypass the voice in your head that tells you what you cannot do or are not capable of, you soar past the vulnerabilities that have stopped you in the past. 

What is important is to know why you think you cannot do something. If you excuse your inability to act by telling yourself it is because of how you feel, or that you cannot, then this may be an appropriate time to bypass your thoughts or emotions. Just because something feels uncomfortable, or you think you can’t, doesn’t make it inaccessible. 

You play the lead role in your life and nothing is impossible to a willing heart. Remember that the qualities you admire in others are a preview of your own strengths. Your greatest achievements are written into your heart as your destiny. It takes a hero’s heart to let go of the voice in your head. Once you do, though, your heart can take over as your compass. If you don’t feel you know how to access your heart, a good start is to quiet your mind to make clearer decisions. You can do this by taking a few deep breaths and stopping the dialogue in your mind. If there are thoughts running through your mind, just let them be. It may be a heroic act to clear your mind so the voices in your head are not screaming at you. By definition, a hero is a person who is admired for their courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities. That is what it takes to override your mind. Anytime you let go of your thoughts to follow your heart, you are a hero.

The will of your heart is very different from the will of your mind. Your heart understands the duties that you have agreed to in this life and is impartial. From this position of impartiality, you can commit to your life’s duties with fewer interruptions from the demands of the ego. 

It is important to allow yourself time to grow into the changes that happen when you are letting go of your mind. Of course your mind is useful and necessary, but you have to override the dominance and control it has over you. The mind is a tool, and much like any other tool, you set it down when you’re not using it. Imagine if a carpenter held all her tools while trying to work. She wouldn’t be very effective, would she? With practice, you can learn when and how to let go. A good start is by letting go of the urge to talk back to your thoughts.

Emotional Resilience

Emotions were given to you for your use; however, they can begin to control you if you let them. If your emotions rule you and have become crippling, that is a good indication that you might need to work on your emotional intelligence.

            Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) is a term created by two researchers, Peter Salavoy and John Mayer, and it was popularized by Dan Goleman in his 1996 book, Emotional Intelligence.

What is Emotional Intelligence? EI is defined as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions and to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others. Your emotions can influence your behaviour and, because it helps you read others as well, allow you to affect people positively or negatively. It also allows you grow your ability to manage your emotions.  

We will be discussing emotions at length in Chapter Six, but I encourage you to read Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. It is an excellent read for anyone wishing to improve their EI.

Here are five categories of questions that Daniel Goleman talks about in his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. His concepts measure EI tests this way.

1.     Self-Awareness

The ability to identify what you are feeling and how you respond to your emotions as they arise. A good sense of self-awareness allows you to see yourself the way others see you.

2.     Managing Emotions

Your ability to manage powerful emotions when they arise. Having control over what you say and do during difficult situations.

3.     Motivating Self

Your ability to keep going and be a self-starter in all emotional situations. Using your emotions to your benefit.

4.     Empathy

Having the ability to accurately read other’s emotions and respond to what is happening around you.

5.     Social Skills

The ability to manage your emotions in social settings. Having emotional skills that help you with team building skills as well as team participation.

It is worth noting that IQ and EI tests measure what they test for. I don’t believe they are completely accurate, and results can change greatly during different periods of your life or be affected by your mood and sense of wellbeing. I highly recommend Daniel Goleman’s work. 

Building Social Skills 

One of the things I see happening in my community today is a decline in social skills. With the excessive use of social media platforms and texting, the skills required to have meaningful, live interactions are slowly being lost. The art of extemporaneous speaking is the ability to engage in a conversation without rehearsing. It develops your ability to access and retrieve your knowledge and wisdom as well as helping develop the art of creativity. Communication is a precious gift we all share. Having this skill greatly enhances our ability to converse freely back and forth or to hold a conversation, and it helps remove awkward gaps of silence. 

If you have identified that you have a problem with social interactions, the most loving thing to do for yourself is to employ a solution. It is easy to put a label on yourself and to stay engaged in a problem. It takes courage and strength to remove the label and work toward acquiring the skills or knowledge required. There are murmurs in psychology today that the mind makes up your physical reality. Diagnosis and medical conditions are real; however, they are not who and what you are. You will not get to where you want to be by claiming you cannot do or be what you dream of being. 

There are many people with real mental health issues who overcome enormous obstacles and manifest their personal goals. A simple exercise is to notice where you are holding yourself to a limiting belief. Your beliefs are usually held as facts about yourself. If someone would ask you who you were, you would probably list many qualities and beliefs you hold about yourself, some of which may not be true or real. They may not even be your own conclusions. Growing social skills may challenge your beliefs and behaviours. It will also challenge you to do your best from the place you’re in and to keep moving forward.

If you wanted to master the guitar, it would not be helpful to wallow in the fact that you don’t know how to play. It would be obvious that you wouldn’t be able to just pick up the guitar once and be a master musician. Rather, you would need to practice every day until you acquired the skills of an accomplished guitarist. Also, it would be counterproductive to beat yourself up for your lack of skill at first or when you fumbled on a chord here and there. 

The same applies to mastering social skills. If you are not the type of person who initiates a conversation, allowing yourself to connect to others may be a very painful thing for you to do. If you tend to isolate yourself or find it hard to connect to other people, then this especially applies to you. Start with something that is just outside your comfort zone. Set small, attainable goals. Whatever stretches you would be a good start. Rest assured, it gets easier with time

When stepping out of your comfort zone, it is also helpful to have a few losses. Learning how to fail is just as important as winning. Some of the most successful people have the most failings in life. They have more failings because they are willing take more risks to fail. More importantly, they get back up and try again. The key is to push yourself socially. Your willingness to fail helps to build your overall resilience, not just your social resilience. 

Embracing Empowerment

Part of claiming your empowerment deals with eliminating all the areas in your life in which you have become disempowered. Take some time and identify the behaviours, mindsets, or practices that are disempowering you. Everyone has issues that cause them to feel weak. Think about yours. What makes you angry? What makes you fall to pieces and crumble into tears? What silences your voice? 

In a disempowered state, you may feel that your issues are just too much to handle or that you don’t have the strength to move forward. If you think that your problems are too much work or that you can’t address them, then you most likely won’t. I have noticed in my life that when the “little me” claimed that I could not move beyond my problems, “poor me” gave up trying. Together, they happily allowed the “little, poor me” to run my life. 

Eliminating what disempowers you not only makes you stronger but allows you to place your attention on what is empowering for you. A more empowered mindset looks toward hope, and hope may be the little push you require. Along with behaviours, mindsets, or practices that disempower, you may have relationships that are disempowering as well. It could be a relationship with your partner, family members or friends, co-workers, or your boss. Whatever makes you feel weak, small, or takes you away from embracing your perfection might need to be examined. You are not only better than that disempowered self, you are worth more. Embracing empowerment starts by looking at all the areas of your life where you are being disempowered. You can be what you want to be in any given moment of your life. 

Change Develops Resiliency 

My ego is the part of me that complains and resists change. It is not the real me. The made-up version of myself finds problems with life, whereas the true self surrenders to what is.

Your willingness to allow change brings a more effortless approach to your life. Understandably, life is easier if things you like stay the same; however, change offers a great deal of opportunity to learn and grow. Change can open your mind and call you to use your critical thinking skills. In learning and growth there is a chance you will discover something greater than what you currently know. 

Of course, there is also a chance that your life could be terrible if things change. When you experience change, it is important to practice patience and a willingness to accept what is. When you do, your resiliency expands greatly. Sometimes when life becomes unpleasant, it thickens your skin if you can just endure the brief storms that can arise.

 The mind/ego hates change. Its very survival is rooted in you staying the same and staying stuck in your routine. But, by not allowing change, you keep yourself trapped in a time capsule. The nature of your mind is that you have thousands of thoughts a day and you will experience 60 to 80 per cent of the same thoughts day in and day out. I learned this concept from the Ishaya monks. All their teachings are oral teachings that were passed down to me during my time with them.

Change throws a wrench into day to day life. It puts you in new and sometimes vulnerable situations. Acceptance is a mindset. A choice. By employing this mindset, you can make great changes in your life. Invariably, change will create discomfort, but the experience of discomfort is temporary and often has unforeseen rewards.

Flexibility

Change calls you to be flexible. You can bend without breaking. The control freak in you does not require daily feeding. If you feed your need to control, it can become an unmanageable force that demands all your attention. Often, satisfying the mind’s need to control is a fruitless endeavour that leads to frustration, because life doesn’t always flow the way you think it is going to. The more rigid you are in your mind, the further removed you are from the ability to accept the conditions in your life that you can’t change. 

It is not that you can’t make plans and have things turn out the way you want. The key is to allow flexibility to live within your plans. Being flexible helps you relax your mind. It allows for surprises. There are an infinite number of variables in how and why things happen the way they do. In their entirety, your past and future collapse into the factors of what and why things are unfolding in the present. This moment, right now, is not insignificant, nor is it just an ordinary moment. Your ideas of how or what it should be don’t have the power to squeeze this moment into the narrowness of your mind’s perception. What this moment should or ought to be is what is unfolding before you. It doesn’t mean that you become mute or do nothing if you see an injustice. It just means you need to be flexible to allow for things to unfold within your plans. Let the greatest potential for this moment reveal itself. 

Letting go of control is not an easy thing to achieve. If you find you need to micromanage your life, this may be a sign that you could benefit from some inner work. Were you abused or controlled in your life at any time? Has something traumatic happened that was out of your control? Why do you need to micromanage? These are all great questions to help you get to the bottom of why you feel the need to deeply grasp at control. 

Three Step Healing

Once you reach awareness, you can start to work on healing these traumatic events. Here are three steps you can apply to help healing. 

1.     Bring acceptance into the event that took place. Acceptance doesn’t mean that another had the right to mistreat you. It just means that you are drawing a line in the sand that you’re now stepping over and moving away from this trauma.

2.     Stop sending anger or holding anger around the event you want to heal.

3.     Close your eyes and picture yourself holding this event in love. Call love to come and wrap itself around you. Imagine you are surrounded with love and can feel it absorbing into your body as you do this visualization. 

When I was weak, I pretended to be strong. When I became strong, I no longer pretended to be anything other than what I am.

Owning Your Power

Being strong is a decision. Once you decide it is the way it is—it is so. By releasing what disempowers you and by affirming your decision, you begin to move toward your greatest strength. Your strengths become immeasurable. You access them with a willingness to follow your heart’s commands. 

Your willingness to face life’s uncertainties with both feet trudging forward is simply a choice. By having the courage to stand strong, you gain the power to create the life that others only dream of living. Being second best or choosing the fastest, easiest route will no longer suffice once you claim your power. It is your choice to refuse to be powerless in your life. 

The real secret to being strong is simply being who and what you are. The real you is underneath all the stories in your mind. The most powerful people in the world are the ones who truly embraced themselves. They maintain their sense of self in any situation. Being strong doesn’t require you to add qualities to yourself. Rather, it means stripping away what you are not and kicking out the feeble voice in your head. The most harmful lie you can tell yourself is that you are less than perfect. You, in your most natural state, are flawless. Your maker makes no mistakes, nor would God create and release a flawed model to the world. 

On your path to power, you need to release yourself from the expectations placed on you by others. Family and friends often like to hold you in the place they last left you. When you claim your power, it will mean going beyond others’ expectations—and your own as well. A powerful life is one that gets us into all kinds of wonderful problems. The wonderful thing about strength is that we are always given just what we need to conquer our wildest dreams. Then, as we set our sights a bit higher, we are again given more strength. This helps us to keep moving forward. 

Walt Disney was a man who was strong and brave enough to follow his heart. He said:

“If you can dream it, you can do it.”

“Somehow I can’t believe that there are any heights that can’t be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four Cs. They are curiosity, confidence, courage and constancy.”

“The difference between winning and losing is most often not quitting.”

“I resent the limitations of my own imagination.”

Strong people often don’t talk about their weaknesses. They are far too busy living their dreams to consider their weaknesses. Your greatest strength may not have anything to do with strength at all. It could be about having the courage to say yes to what is being offered to you. Say yes to the calling of your heart. 

Tools to Deepen Your Experience of This Chapter

1. Write down some goals that you would like to achieve. Where in your life do you feel you need to devote yourself? 

1.  I would like to challenge you to pour devotion into your life. Be creative here. For example: Pour your devotion into saying hi to everyone you meet and address everyone by looking them in the eyes. Another way would be to devote yourself to your work, friends, and family or to any task you are doing. As you do this lesson, allow the presence of your devotion to fill you up with what you are devoting yourself to.

1. Spend an entire day devoted to what is under your nose. If someone calls for your attention, give them 100 per cent of your focus. When you are finished with them, return 100 per cent of your focus to whatever you were doing. The ability to do that would greatly enhance the quality of your relationships with your partner or your children, friends, and co-workers.

1. Think of a difficult situation in your life. Now look beyond the struggles, loss, or even anger you may have had and ask yourself: What did I learn from that? How did this experience cause me to grow? How has my life changed for the better? Write down your answers. Perhaps you will find you didn’t learn anything, but maybe, in time, with a different perspective, your answers to these questions will offer insight.

1. What makes you feel vulnerable? Make a list of all the things that cause you to feel vulnerability. Once you have your list, start an action plan on how you are going to walk through your vulnerabilities. Note: Vulnerabilities are closely related to your fears. You can include your fears in this list and do the same exercise.

1. What disempowers you? Disempowerment is anything that makes you feel weak, causes you to fight, flight, or freeze. Include the triggers that cause you to be sad or angry. This is a big question worth spending some time on. After you have your list, ask yourself what the possible solution is for you.

1. Make a list of the changes you want to implement in your life. What needs to change? What are you not willing to change and why? In your response, be sure to look at your answers very closely. Look at it as if it were someone else’s issue that needed to change. How would you advise them to deal with your problem? If you answer is based in fear, or thoughts that are not true, real, or yours, you may want to reevaluate why you’re not willing to make the change.

1. Practice the Three Step Healing exercise in this chapter.

1. Here are two questions to ask yourself: 

What is holding me back from following my heart?  Have I curbed what I want to do by conforming to what others want or expect from me?