Chapter Two: Beyond The Mind's Desire

Chapter Two: Beyond The Mind’s Desire: Do your desires serve your soul or do they serve your ego? It can be easy to become swooped up by the temptations that life presents us. With all of the luxuries in the world that are being thrown in our face, it can be easy to fall victim to desires. We can also believe that happiness exists in the things we want, but sadly it is only a matter of time before our mind comes up with the next thing to chase. If we have peace within, we no longer require temporary relief through the acquisition of thing after thing after thing.

Transcript

Chapter Two

Beyond the Mind’s Desire

“Habit, if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.”

                                          Saint Augustine 

Positive affirmation: I am more than a collection of wants. My desires have no control over me.

In this chapter, I will be talking about three types of desire: desire of the mind, hidden desire, and secret desire. Your destiny awaits beyond your desires. The way you discover your destiny is to let go of your desires and listen deeply to your heart. 

Fulfilling my list of desires was the catalyst that brought depression to my doorstep. As I raced toward the completion of my list, my mind promised me happiness each time I manifested a goal. Without fail, the happiness was short-lived. My mind would insert a new desire within days, if not hours, of achieving a goal or obtaining something I wanted to own. I felt blessed that I was able to complete my list at an early age, but I needed to bottom out my list to fully understand that happiness couldn’t be purchased. It created the perfect storm for me to begin my awakening. 

Desire of the Mind

Having desires is not a problem. It is what you do with your desires that can be unhealthy. Wildly chasing your desires leaves you with only a greater attachment to your mind and its wants, because your desires entice you to believe you will be happy once they have been satisfied. The joy or excitement you experience is a temporary exit from your mind’s regular activities. During the fulfillment of a desire, you swiftly exit the grasp that desire has over you, filling you with a sense of relief and euphoria. The trouble is that, within hours, minutes, or even seconds, your mind can creep back in with another desire that it requires to keep you satisfied.  Chasing the fulfillment of desires only leaves you wanting and needing more. If your relationship with desire is out of balance, then it might be helpful for you to examine it more deeply. By looking at what you desire, you can learn a lot about yourself. 

Most desires are born in the mind. They live comfortably in you, creating havoc in your life. Desire causes you to run in circles, chasing your tail. You can spend countless hours working to earn enough money and then mindlessly throw it away on an object that you don’t need and don’t necessarily want. As you fulfill one desire, another automatically arises. By chasing your desires, you waste precious energy and resources that could be applied more purposefully. The mind is very accustomed to want. When you give in to the wants of the mind repeatedly, over time your wants become what you think you need. You transform your simple and unnecessary wants into full-fledged habits. 

Finding balance with the fulfillment of your desires helps you keep a healthy relationship with your mind. It also frees you from the grasp they can have on your life. When decisions no longer feel like a choice, your desires have crossed the threshold of what is healthy for you. 

You might find much joy in fulfilling your desires when you are experiencing a low. Fulfillment of desires can feel like an exit from the prison of your mind. Your body becomes flooded with the feel-good chemicals of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that make you feel happy or satisfied. But really, you are giving up one prison for another. What you are looking for is peace. It cannot be found in these four chemicals. 

During the fulfillment of your desires, something else is going on. The moment you fulfill a desire, you become desire-less, which can create a deep state of inner calm. This state of having no desire causes you to transcend the surface of your mind and takes you deeper into a place of peace. The gravity of desire pins you down, causing you to feel heavy and burdened. The sudden release of desire frees you, and the contrast creates a sense of lightness in the body. 

 Your peace does not come from fulfilling your desires but from surrendering your desires. Deep surrender gives you what your desires can only promise. Surrender moves you into trust. It opens a space in you that is suitable for the gift of peace to arise in. It also opens the door for the Divine to provide. Your job is to do what you can while allowing room for the Divine to move in your life. There is a great deal of unknown variables at work, most of which are handled by the greater intelligence of our Creator.

Knowing that this can happen is not enough. You must put it into practice. As you practice the act of letting go of your desires, be willing to keep surrendering until your desires no longer pull your attention.

Living without your desires is a powerful position to be in. It has the power to deliver you into the arms of peace and, ultimately, your freedom. The bondage of your desires may be more restrictive than you are aware. Often it is not until you have given up a desire that you realize the investment you had in it. I experienced this during meditation retreats. Upon arriving at the retreat, I was ready to relax and get into my meditation. After a few days, though, I began to miss my comforts of home. By giving myself the opportunity to pull away from my comforts, it became clear that my habits and desires were very restrictive.

The Reality of Our Desires

One of my teachers used to say: “Your mind is like a jealous lover; the more attention you give it, the more it wants.”

This statement is very powerful and true. It is never a problem to want possessions or life experiences. The problem is the cost it takes to acquire or maintain what you want. Check in on your desires by asking yourself these questions: “What will the price be for the fulfilment of what I want? Does it satisfy my soul?” Are you willing to work overtime, lose touch with those you love, or pay with your health for what you desire? Is what you desire worth it? 

Desire is the mind wanting its own way. It wants nothing more than to seduce you into its bottomless need.

Hidden Desire

If you google “hidden desire,” you will likely find a plethora of romance novels. But what I am referring to is a desire within us that we may not even know about. It is desire that is hidden from our immediate consciousness and so may be hard to spot. We are often oblivious to this form of desire because it is something that is happening below our radar and is disguised in our motivation to do things. For many years, I was driven by my lack of self-esteem and my need for praise. I didn’t feel good about myself, and this feeling fueled my desire to be praised and accepted by others until it developed into a hidden desire. I would do just about anything to feel special and worthy. I would go to great lengths to accomplish difficult things because of my need/desire to be acknowledged. I was unaware that my need for praise had become a hidden desire. It wasn’t until I looked back at myself that I noticed the grip that my hidden desires had over me.

Identifying your hidden desires takes a degree of consciousness and a willingness to be honest with yourself. It is easy to justify your actions for the sake of fulfilling a hidden desire. Your mind loves repetition, so it can be comforting to maintain what you know while continuing to run on automatic pilot. Hidden desires always have a payoff you are striving for unconsciously. When a hidden desire obtains its goal, the reward centres in your brain light up and your body squeals with satisfaction as the chemicals are released. 

By identifying your hidden desires, you release the control they have over you. You no longer get the hit of feel good chemicals, but the reward is that you are not unconsciously striving for a goal that you may not even require. This in turn frees you up to spend your time on more meaningful pursuits in your life. 

Life can be a seamless stream of events that keep you entertained and busy while leaving you never questioning why you want the things you want. Yet spotting your hidden desires can be as simple as checking in on your motivations in acquiring what you desire. This type of reflection can be very rewarding. It will stop you from repeating patterns that do not serve you. Consciously becoming aware of your desires is the first step in moving away from your hidden desires. 

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How Hidden Desires Affect You

An essential step toward your sanity is avoiding attempts to make sense of things that don’t make sense.

Some hidden desires can pressure you to keep up with the expectation of others. There are some unwritten rules in society. One is that we should progress through the stages of life, acquiring all the possessions and experiences that are normal for our age and gender. Ask any person who does not have a partner whether they are ever asked by friends and family when they are going to get married. There is pressure by society to achieve this goal, even when it is a veiled pressure.  

The unwritten rules of society demand that you must do and have all the things that everyone else is doing and having. Only then will you be regarded as successful. These pressures placed on us by society create desires that are not our own. They can cause more grief than joy. 

Here is a question I’ve asked myself: “What do I really want in this life?” I found that it was a blessing that my desires did not conform to the standards of society.  

Unresolved conflicts can be another source of hidden desires. Under the surface, you may want things to happen or happen again in your life. These desires not only remove you from the present, but they cause you to reject what is in the here and now. They create an undercurrent in you that keeps you longing for the fulfillment of your hidden desires. 

For example, you may have a friend who is being abusive toward you. One day, you finally muster enough courage to stand up for yourself and kick that person out of your life. But if your hidden desire is to be a people-pleaser or to recreate a pattern that you were exposed to as a child, you might allow this person back into your life. By allowing this person back into your life, you keep your hidden desire alive and in control of your life. You could be denying the fact that this person is abusive, or you could be repeating your past out of sheer habit. 

Some of the conflicts you have with people or situations may never get resolved. The resolution you could be searching for may never fit into the context of reality. By making peace with the fact that your conflict may not have the resolution you want, you take the first step toward acceptance. This acknowledgement moves you closer to resolving your relationship with your conflicts.

Some of your hidden desires may not be positive, because you can unconsciously desire negative experiences. To counter this tendency, your willingness to embrace peace for yourself must be stronger than your need to allow your old paradigms to continue to run undetected in your life. The hidden desires that are running in you only add to your disempowerment and could very well be driving you away from experiencing peace in the process.

Secret Desire

I define secret desires as the wants we hold in our mind but seldom express. We hold these desires in our thoughts, and when they don’t come to pass, we often become angry, disappointed, or even hurt. What is it that can turn our wants into anger? It is the shift from wanting something to happen to expecting it to happen. 

Secret desires can show up anywhere, but they manifest more often in our intimate relationships. In a past relationship, I held secret desires. I would work steadily for several days without allowing any time off for myself. Then, on my only day off, my partner would ask me to do something for her. This request would anger me because I felt it was selfish of her to ask anything of me. But all I needed to do was communicate my needs to my partner. When I learned to better express myself, this problem went away. Your partner is unable to read your mind. An open and sharing environment is a loving one. 

By letting go of some of your secret desires and learning how to express your needs, you develop a greater tolerance of what is happening in the moment. The demands of your desires can create an intolerance and a need to control your life. A simplest irritation can cause great pain when you have no tolerance. 

Desire is born from the ego, and it has a way of strengthening the egotistic sense of self. It enforces the “me” in your mind. When simple things in life cause you to have a temper tantrum, there exists a very strong sense of “me” and what the “me” wants. The “me” that is engaged during those moments is not the true you. When you let go of desire, you let go of the “me” that wants. You allow life to unfold naturally. The truth is that whatever is going to happen will happen, regardless of your mental position. 

True surrender is the ability to allow things to be as they are without needing to change them.

Being desire-less allows the mind to rest by removing the need to control and want. This state brings a deeper sense of acceptance. When you release yourself from the bondage of your desires, it is easier for the mind to remain in the present. Desire invites the mind into the past and future because it is never content with the moment at hand. Your desires will place burdens on your life and your friendships. When you are desire-less, you remove some of the needs you may place on others. It makes for more harmonious relationships when your friends, family, and acquaintances don’t feel required to keep up with your expectations. 

The Heart’s Wisdom

My mind’s desire knows nothing about the destiny my heart knows to be mine.

When it comes to fulfilling your purpose, the will of your heart can be a useful voice. Hearing that voice can be difficult, and knowing which voice is speaking can be even harder to discern. The will of your mind can appear to be the will of your heart. The heart does not have a desire. This is a common error that is made in the mind. The heart knows. That is beyond desire. Your heart is a knowingness within you, a doorway into the true self. Your mind’s desire tries to provide you peace. 

Example: A paradigm forms in your mind that tells you that you will be happy when you get a car. But once you have the car, you immediately need something else that promises peace. When you learn to listen to the voice in your heart, you begin to discover peace inside of you. Most of your desires are your mind seeking the fulfillment of peace; however, your mind doesn’t know that you cannot obtain something that already lives within you. Peace is not obtained. It is something that you surrender to within. 

Joy is the heart’s way of saying thank you for following it.

Identifying a Mind’s Desire Versus the Knowingness of Your Heart

One of the common traits of a heart’s instructions is that it is never self-serving, nor is it unloving. The knowing in your heart usually carries a positive message, one that is giving and supportive. It holds wisdom that guides you back to truth and unity. My heart always guides me to serve my community, whereas my mind’s desire usually wants what is only for my ego or personal gain. The heart seeks to love and support, for it holds a higher intellect than your mind. 

There are many sayings about the wisdom of the heart that supports this view. Not all old sayings bear truth, but in this case, there is merit to these timeless statements. Here are a few of my favourites:

“In prayer, it is better to have a heart without words than it is to have words without a heart.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.” - Thomas Carlyle

“Only do what your heart tells you.” - Princess Diana

“If one completes the journey to one’s own heart, one will find oneself in the heart of everyone else.” - Thomas Keating

One heartfelt act is more powerful than a million good intentions.

When you rest in your heart, it guides you toward your purpose. There is meaning and value to what the heart knows. The heart holds wisdom beyond your own experiences. How is this possible? It is possible because your heart can connect you with a divine wisdom which is unavailable to you otherwise. Much like how creativity can flow to and through an artist, wisdom can also flow to and through you. You can learn how to make this connection by letting go of your mind and resting in the solitude of your heart. Your mind can only perceive life, whereas your heart experiences it. You do not need to have a special talent or be a mystic or an intellect to access this divine wisdom. It is your birthright to claim this ability. 

Road Trip across Canada

The heart can be a difficult travel companion because it works outside the realm of logic. My heart has placed me into the most interesting and sometimes dangerous situations. But, on the other hand, following our heart can make life a great adventure. 

One of my greatest adventures started with an intuition. It came to me while I was driving down the highway at about two in the morning. I was driving to the airport and taking my partner to the Mayan Riviera in Mexico. 

Out of the blue, I just had a feeling that I had to document the history of tattooing in Canada. Since tattooing is how I make my living, that seemed like a natural inclination. It was a far stretch for me personally, because I had never had any interest in doing that, but I felt like I had to follow my heart and decided that, when I returned home, I would call the most reputable tattooist in Canada to start the process. 

When Paul Jeffries, owner of The Smilin’ Buddha Tattoo, returned my call, I had not thought this idea through or considered any of the logistics or even how much it would cost to travel across Canada for several months. But there I was on the phone with one of the greatest tattooists in the country, and he was agreeing to have me interview him. He asked me when and I randomly picked a month from that day. By the time I hung up, I was shaking with excitement. I was going to drive across Canada and interview all the old-timers and the best of the best tattooist in the industry. 

At this point in time, I have completed over 200 interviews and have driven coast to coast. During my travels, I found myself in a few interesting situations, but I will save those stories for the Canadian history of tattooing book.

I never second guess my heart and, in return, my heart never leaves me guessing as to what to do next.

Reflecting on that whole experience now, there were times when I felt there was something looking out for me, something lining up all the things in my path. I followed my heart and never let my mind get in the way. My heart guided me in and out of many situations that would have been far too complicated for my mind. 

I have yet to regret any of those adventures where I simply followed my heart. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to sit and listen to many people share their life’s experiences with me. I have driven coast to coast in Canada and the US and have done well over 10,000 tattoos over the last twenty-five years. During that time, I have yet to hear someone say they regretted following their heart.

 I must also say that I have sometimes made the mistake of following my mind, thinking it was my heart’s instructions. The easiest way to avoid that is to use common sense and simple logic. A blend of critical thinking skills and intuition utilize the heart and mind. Often, I will ask my heart questions and, usually, the answers come when I least expect them. 

 Following our heart’s instruction gets easier when we learn how to put space between our thoughts. With practice, I feel we can all master following our hearts. There is an intelligence in us that knows more than our mind does. That is why I say that our hearts know the universe. Learning to follow and listen to our hearts can have a dramatic impact on our lives. The heart is forever willing to guide our life. To hear its instructions, we must be willing to quiet our mind.

Finding a Healthy Balance

Let the knowingness in your heart be your greatest motivator to drive you closer to fulfilling your purpose. Learn how to listen to your heart. It can be a source of inspiration and it can give you the devotion to never give up. Integrity, respect, and good judgement should always be your guide as you learn to listen to your heart. 

            When you are faced with a burning desire, ask yourself: “Does the fulfillment of this desire come at a cost to me or to another person?” and “Am I willing to sacrifice what it takes to fulfill this desire?” 

At this point in my life, my peace is more important to me than any desire. I do my best to be honest with myself about what serves my soul and what serves my mind’s desires. My heart’s instructions have landed me in the most purposeful moments in my life and have delivered me deeply into the arms of love. Whatever is born out of love goes through its own mega-evolution. It transforms itself into an evolved pursuit that is a gift from God. The will of your destiny is calling you to fulfill your purpose here, all that is required of you is to listen and follow the wisdom of your heart. 

Tools to Deepen Your Experience of This Chapter

1. Make a list of your desires. Once you have your list, ask yourself: “Are these desires healthy for me?”
2. Once you have your list of desires, can you identify a deeper desire that you are unconsciously trying to achieve?
3. What are your habits? Do your habits serve you, or are you serving your habits?
4. Where are you repeating patterns in your life? Do you attract scenarios where your payoffs get you a similar reward? 
5. Can you identify any areas in which you are fulfilling the desire of another or societal expectation?
6. Do you have any unresolved conflicts within you? Do your unresolved conflicts manifest undesirable results in your life?
7. Do you have secret desires in your relationship? What things do you expect your partner to just know about you, and have they ever caused an argument? Once you identify a secret desire, share your needs more openly with your partner.
8. Practice dropping into your heart. It can be a very simple process. Just close your eyes and feel your heart expand and contract while you breathe slowly in and out. If your mind starts to talk to you, just ignore it and listen for the solitude of your heart.
9. Can you think of any of your heart’s desires? I encourage you to make a list of them and start to work toward completing your list.